I look at my daughter & I see her daddy. She may not look like him but her new personality, her facial expressions.. her temperament. I love her more than anything in the world. But then I get this sad, overwhelming feeling that I can't do this. I'm not the kinda of person who is a 'good mother' (if anyone really knows what a 'good mother' is these days). I want to take care of her. I want to love on her and show her off to the world. Let everyone know this is what I've been working so hard on for the past 38 weeks but I doubt myself. I know people say it's normal to go through a few postpartum things but it's really overwhelming me. I've cried every day since I've been home. Not ALL DAY but at least twice. When she cries and I don't know how to make her stop or feel better it kills me. I feel helpless and defeated. Hoping this will all pass.
Breastfeeding:
The first day in the hospital I tried to breastfeed her but with my blood loss & being induced & all the meds the nurses said it may take a few days or even a week or two for any milk to come in. She latched on but just didn't get anything. She did so well and knew what she was suppose to do but I couldn't do my part. I've tried every time we feed her and she still gets nothing. I feel like this is one way that I should be able to really bond with Mia. Mother & daughter, skin to skin. The closest we can get at this point. After getting home I thought it would be better. But maybe it's just not meant to be.
Last night, for the first time, she latched on and stayed on for about 2-3 mins. So she must have been getting something. You have NO idea the calm & ease that came over me. I finally felt like I was really making a difference for her and give her what she needs. Not even an hour 1/2 later her tummy was upset, with gas, again. Her crying too all those good feelings away and I went back to apologizing to her. For hurting her tummy. I know it may have not of been the breast milk to make her tummy upset but that sure is what it felt like.
I just want what every mother in the world wants. I want my child to be happy and healthy. I want to see her brights eyes everyday for the rest of my life. It's nothing like I've ever felt before. Like I've said before.. Now I know what all the fuss is about! <3
It will come with time, Amber. I felt weird about it at first to. But then, you look at that beautiful baby girl and you know you will always love her and protect her no matter what.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks, you WILL be the best mommy in the world to Mia. You're her everything just as she is yours. She's the only person that can decide who the best mommy is. And to her, that is and always will be you.