- My first day without her -

     February 26, 2012 is the day the my amazing God called my best friend back home. I have never lost someone as close to me as she was/is. She's gone. She is at rest. No pain, No hospitals. She's doesn't have to deal with all the cheating and lying. All the drama that comes along with living in this crazy world. I got to see her last night.. I held her hand & kissed her sweet face. I leaned to her and whispered..

     "M is here(She always called me 'M'). I'm here sweet girl. I love you so very much, Annie.  I know you are tired, baby & it's OK. It's OK to be tired.  You don't have to fight anymore.  It's not giving up. You don't have to be strong for anyone anymore. Let God take care of you, baby girl. Everything is going to be fine. Always remember me & that I love you."

I know we had our differences but what best friends don't. I'm not going to be selfish & stay mad at her or at God, because this morning I was. I felt that he had taken her from me. She left ME! She's left me here all alone to go through what life has in store for me all by myself. I know better than that. I know she is perfect. She is the Annie that everyone knows and loves again. I don't really know if these tears are tears of reliefe or of sadness. Possibly a little of both.. I will miss her soo much & I'll forever hurt bc I can't just pick up the phone and tell her I love her anymore.

     Today was the most beautiful day. She gave this day to us. God cleared the skies. He parted the clouds so she could look down upon us and I know she is asking God to touch us. To help us get through her passing. My daughter now has a guardian Angel. Annie will look after Mia for as long as time goes on.
I went to church this morning. I cried & I prayed & I cried some more.. but when I walked out those doors I felt her. I felt as if she was the wind putting her hand on my face telling me "it's ok to cry, M. I'll always be here with you, I haven't left you & I never will" I felt a weight lifted off me.

     I will never get over this. I will write about her often. There is a piece of my heart missing now. & none will ever be able to replace it. Her & God are walking hand in hand in the streets of Heaven & he is explaining his plan to her. Why she was called home so young & why we have to hurt. She finally understands.. & she will be waiting to meet me again one day.. but until that day. I will love her and talk to her and tell Mia about her..
I love my Annie more than anything. & I miss her soo terribly.

Be strong..

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Bananie & Cocheese

My heart is heavy tonight. I can’t eat & I can’t sleep. I have a rush of emotion that I didn’t know I could feel all at once.

Sadness - I’m sad because my very best friend of the last 7 years is fighting what seems to be a losing battle with the dreaded cancer. Every relationship has it’s ups & downs even if it is just a FRIENDship. She has hurt me and I know I have hurt her but in the end we were/are always there for one another. I didn’t agree with her lifestyle & I quote she was “jealous” of mine. I would go to the end of the earth to help her out in any way that I can even if she didn’t ask. She wouldn’t ask because she is too proud. I’m sad because the girl who weighed 180ish is now a buck 15. Her hair is thinning but she is still soo beautiful. She doesn’t breath well but she still has soo much to say.

Happiness - Since this isn’t something that people are usually happy about, it’s odd that I feel some sort of happiness. Her being sick has brought us so much closer together. The past doesn’t matter anymore. All the fights & the arguments are gone. When I brought Mia to see her for the first time it was the best feeling. To share a moment like that with your best friend. I will never ever forget it. I’m happy/thankful that the great Lord has given her to me for this long. I can only hope that in the days to come I get closer to her & she and I can get closer to God…together.

I’m hurt. I’m mad. I’m relieved. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m literally sick. My mind is racing a mile a min and I don’t know how to slow it down. I have NEVER had to deal with anything remotely close to this in my 26 years & I never thought I would have to. I know this might sound stupid to you guys but if something happens to her..

Who is going to take the chicken off the bone so I can eat it?

Who is going to chop up the onion soo tiny in the spaghetti that I can’t taste them?

Who’s hair am I going to straighten before we go out?

Who am I going to borrow a shirt from & never give it back?

Who’s going to paint my toenails? (NO ONE touches my feet but her)

I’ve worked with her. She has been my roommate. She was in my wedding & I was in hers. She’s my very best friend.

My heart is so very heavy tonight.. It’s hurting. Hurting for her. I know she is in soo much pain. I promise every one of you reading this.. I would take her pain in a heartbeat if I could. She is confident & loud. She is obnoxious & selfish. She had an attitude & she speaks her mind. She’s my heart. I don’t know if she will ever get to read this but..

　



To you, Melinda Ann Brown.

I will love you like my sister until the day the world ends & for much longer after that. If the Lords will is done & you are called home I know you will be there waiting patiently for me & the rest of your loved ones. Through your struggles & your pain I know that you are stronger then I would ever be. I love you so very much. I’ve watched you fail and rise up again. I’ve witnessed your happiness and I was there when you just couldn’t do it alone. Be strong. I’ll be strong for you, I promise.

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