My heart breaks because..

  Drugs. I've never experimented with them. Ever. Not even a cigarette, that I can remember, and I think that's pretty good considering my ENTIRE family has had their dealings with drugs in one way or another.
Recently it's been my parents & my sister.
 My Parents: 'Wrong place, wrong time' kind of deal, so they say. Caught with drugs, driving on suspended license, etc. Charges pending, court dates & fines.. You would think after 30 years of getting in trouble and doing drugs it would end. Growing up would commence and life would be different. That's not the case at all. They are MY parents and I DO love them. Since this last bit of trouble they seem to be on the 'straight and narrow' but we will see. I'm really trying to have faith in them. I say a prayer for them every night. I pray that God puts a hand on them. I pray that he touches them and helps them realize that one day it's going to be too late. One day they are both going to wake up and have NOTHING to show for their lives. Drugs and Alcohol - What a life. Deffinately NOT the life I live.
 My Sister: In a way I feel sorry for her. She's in love with a man who is no good. The only man she has ever loved, in my opinion. Ten years her senior, he thinks he can 'show her something'. 'Teach her things'. The ONLY thing he has shown her is how sorry some men can be to the mother of their children. In the past year she has gotten her one year old son, Stefen, taken away by the state of Mississippi. The first time he was just about 2 months old. The reason behind it.. Her boyfirend/babys father was messed up on drugs, made a big scene, fighting, arguing and put my nephew in danger. The second time was just a few weeks ago and this time.. It's REAL! Because of drugs my sister has to have visitations with her son ONCE a week, for just an hour! Rehab, Parenting classes. Psych evals. My heart hurts for her becuase I know she wants to do right. I think she is afraid to change. It's what she's known for so long.. our whole lives. On the other hand I don't feel that sorry for her. I grew up in the same house with the same family. And I have never had to go through any of this. I don't think I'm smarter.. or better than anyone. I've just made better decisions.
 Steven and I are fully prepared to take my nephew into our home if need be. I want to have him the more NORMAL and wonderful childhood. He's young now but what happenes when he starts to remember the things that are going on?! It's not good for him to be bounced around from place to place. Living with grandparents & Aunts/Uncles. His mother should raise him however, if she can't do so like she should Steven and I WILL STEP IN! She is without a doubt a GOOD MOTHER! I just wish she would get her priorities in order.

Sweet Boog. I love him to pieces

He loves his Mimi! He's so sweet with her.

    

My Heart

Can you believe it..

We did this..

Mother & Daughter

The sweetest face I've ever seen

In daddys hands

Giving Thanks

     This year we have been through so much. Moving, getting pregnant, welcoming our baby girl into the world.. We have more than enough to be thankful. We are healthy and happy. We are working and making it work.

What I'm really thankful for is serving the most awesome God! One who makes all these blessing possible. I'm thankful I can worship & serve him with out conviction! He has blessed me with my family and friends. I wake up every morning, not just Thanksgiving Day and am reminded how lucky I am & I'm so thankful.

     I'm thankful for my husband, Steven. We have been through so much together and I don't think I could have done it/made it with anyone else. God made him just for me. and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for my Mia. She is my heart & you can't live without your heart, can you! Every time I see her I could cry. Being a mother is one of the greatest gifts that anyone can ever receive. She's the best baby & going to grow in to the sweetest little girl! I'm thankful for her.

     My friends have really shaped how I am. All the friends I do have I love more than anything and they are more than just friends, they are my family. Good, honestl people I can depend on! I would do anything for them and I know they would go to the end of the earth for me.. & for that I am thankful!

I have soooo much more to be thankful for...  it's just that simple.

2 weeks in..

     Alright.. We are two weeks into being parents and things are going great! Mia has her days and nights kind of mixed up but that is to be expected, I assume. I know what her cries mean. When she's dirty or hungry or just upset, I pride myself in that.
        Now I'm just waitin until the Dr. gives me the go ahead to start gettin' on with MY regular routine. When I got pregnant I was a big girl. I'd say around 265-270ish. At my heaviest carring Mia I was 302lbs. I know! I always said I never wanted to break the '300 mark' but I did. Not by much but I did. Now.. I'm at 288lbs. I can't wait to start working out and losing more weight. My loss of appitite has helped I know but that isn't the way I want to lose weight.. I want to do it in a healthy way. Working out, eating better. I want my little family to be healthy. I want to be able to run & play with Mia when she is older. You know you see the moms & dads that are over weight who just sit there while their kids play.. We don't want to be that way (which Steven will never be that way lol He is skin & bones as it is)
      She is my motivation! :) If I got down to 200lbs I would be perfectly happy. That's 88lbs gone! Doesn't matter how long it takes as long as I get it gone. I'm not on a time line or going to set a deadline.. That's too much pressure. Soo as soon as the Dr. gives me the go ahead I'll be working on a 'workout routine' and a eat schedule. I'll post my progress. Any tips or encouraging comments are greatly appreciated!

- it's beautiful -

27 weeks

The amazing Amanda Puckett took these! I think they are more than beautiful. I wasn't going to do any because I thought I looked like a fat cow BUT I'm so glad I did! They turned out amazing.

We couldn't wait to share our precious gift with the world.

Even when she wasn't here it still felt like a family of 3

35 weeks

3D/4D Ultrasound by Baby's Kickin' in Tupelo, Ms. When we finally saw her for the first time I thought of this picture! She looks just the same.

In love with him

In love with her

Lots of things have been said about me taking a picture like this. Maybe it's just people being old fashioned and thinking a women should broadcast/show off her pregnant stomach.. either way I don't care. I worked hard for 9 months on a blessing from God, I'm going to show it off. I think it's beautiful. I can't wait to get the other part to this picture. We took it today!

For you I will..

When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down,
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon (yeah, yeah)
I will be your hero your strength
anything you need (I will be..)
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you
For you I will

For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, oooooh
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me)
And I'll do anything

I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will, I will, I will, I will,

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need, (Anything you need)
I will be the sun in your sky (yeah, yeah)
I will let you wait for all times
Promise you (I promise you)
For you I will (Ooooh)
I promise you
For you I will

I always thought this song was a 'love song' but I heard it today and I realized it's a different kind of long song, to me anyway. All these things, I would do for my sweet girl. I want to be the kind of mother whos daughter can come to her without fear or without any hesitation at all with any problem she may have. Any concern, worry. Anything. I want her to trust me & her daddy. Trust that we DO know best for her and resecpt us as parents. I hope she grows up to be the very best person she can be. I hope Steven and I can guide her in that direction. I hope she takes the path that God has for her. I know we all stray at one point or another but I hope when she does.. she finds we way back without fault. She is my world. Steven & my sweet girl.. they are all I need. It's really amazing what this experience will do to a person. I honestly don't know how I would make it alone. I hope Mia Elizabeth knows how much everyone loves her.

I know we will make our fair share of mistakes as parents & we will let her down & she will let us down as well but I want to be able to look to God and with his help we can all stay close as a family. Sometimes your family is all you have. I want her to feel that no matter what she is going through she can always come home to me & her daddy. No matter if she is 15 or 55. I have so many hopes and dreams for her already. :) a week old & I want to plan her life. lol She is absolutely perfect in my eyes.

     This Photo: If you around the NEMS area I suggest you look up At Your Place Photography. Amanda Puckett is soo talented.  The ONLY person I would trust takin pictures of my Mia.  Precious. I almost cried in the middle of lunch when I seen this.



The Rush of Emotions..

     I never pictured myself as a mother & now that I am one, I'm not sure how to feel about it.
I look at my daughter & I see her daddy. She may not look like him but her new personality, her facial expressions.. her temperament. I love her more than anything in the world. But then I get this sad, overwhelming feeling that I can't do this. I'm not the kinda of person who is a 'good mother' (if anyone really knows what a 'good mother' is these days). I want to take care of her. I want to love on her and show her off to the world. Let everyone know this is what I've been working so hard on for the past 38 weeks but I doubt myself. I know people say it's normal to go through a few postpartum things but it's really overwhelming me. I've cried every day since I've been home. Not ALL DAY but at least twice. When she cries and I don't know how to make her stop or feel better it kills me. I feel helpless and defeated. Hoping this will all pass.

     Breastfeeding:
The first day in the hospital I tried to breastfeed her but with my blood loss & being induced & all the meds the nurses said it may take a few days or even a week or two for any milk to come in. She latched on but just didn't get anything. She did so well and knew what she was suppose to do but I couldn't do my part. I've tried every time we feed her and she still gets nothing. I feel like this is one way that I should be able to really bond with Mia. Mother & daughter, skin to skin. The closest we can get at this point. After getting home I thought it would be better. But maybe it's just not meant to be.
Last night, for the first time, she latched on and stayed on for about 2-3 mins. So she must have been getting something. You have NO idea the calm & ease that came over me. I finally felt like I was really making a difference for her and give her what she needs. Not even an hour 1/2 later her tummy was upset, with gas, again. Her crying too all those good feelings away and I went back to apologizing to her. For hurting her tummy. I know it may have not of been the breast milk to make her tummy upset but that sure is what it felt like.

     I just want what every mother in the world wants. I want my child to be happy and healthy. I want to see her brights eyes everyday for the rest of my life. It's nothing like I've ever felt before. Like I've said before.. Now I know what all the fuss is about! <3

My Steven

Ok, I'm not going to write a lot because I already posted today but I just wanted to take this free time and say that I truely have the most wonderful man in my life. Steven Christopher McCallus is one of the sweetest, funniest, most caring person I have ever met. He's always concerned about others and I am so happy that the good Lord brought him to me. I really believe we saved each other. He has taught me so much in the past 9 years. More then I could learn in a lifetime without him.

He has been the most amazing father to our daughter. He's gentle and loving. She couldn't have a better daddy. I cry (I am now writing this) when I see how amazing he is with her. I'm not able to do much at the moment and he has picked up the slack like he's done this all before. They say motherly instinct comes naturally & now I believe so does 'fatherly instinct'.

Ever couple has their ups & downs, it's only natural & we have had ours but there is NO ONE else in the whole world I would rather argue& fight with. lol

Favorite Quote that makes the think of US:

Living, fighting, obsessing
Just as long as I can share it all with you..

Yesterday, today, tomorrow, come rain, come shine
Hell and back, the beginning in between till' the end of time!

First Night at Home.

     Well what can I say.. The first night at home with Mia was deff a tough one. I was exhausted and in a weird mood. Crying, couldn't sleep. My body was worn out but my mind was going 90 to nothing but I guess that's just normal. While in the hospital they had to change her formula(I am breast & bottle feeding) because she was spitting up. They changed her to SOY instead of reguar Similac. She did much better on it, however, it was the pre-mixed not the powder. When we were discharged they gave me a 'goodie bag' and it had the same kind of formula just in powder form. I didn't think a thing about it.
     We get home at around 8pm & Stevens parents were waiting for us. The day she was born they didn't even get to hold her so we didn't mind them being there. Stevens mom fed her the last pre-mixed bottle that we had from the hospital and she fell right to sleep. We thought that she was out for the count & she was.. for a little while. I don't feed her ever 2 hours like they say because she's a big baby & eats more at one feeding so at 2am we woke her up. Steven made the bottle exactly how it said (new parents always read directions lol). We fed her and she seemed to do ok with it. Of course she wanted to stay awake after sleeping for a few hours so her and I stayed out in the living room while Steven went back to bed.
     4:30am rolled around and she was fast asleep so I thought I should get some rest while I could. I picked her up and we went to bed.. Not even 5 mins after lying her flat in the bassinett she starts to fuss and cry.. I hate to keep picking her up and holding her all the time so I reached over and patted her lightly. She calmed down. I thought she had fallen back asleep but then she was wide awake screaming and crying. It was the most awful thing I have ever heard. She had 2 dirty diapers in about 2 hours (not terribly dirty but enough to make anyone fuss) We thought maybe she was just having a little prob going potty and when she finally did she would calm down and we would get her back to sleep. NOPE! The screaming lasted until about 6am. I was so emotional. I cried. I couldn't help her feel better. I felt helpless. I swaddled her up and just held her and rocked her for hours. Even though my back and feet were killing me. I held her and prayed to God to take her pain away. Not for me but just for her. I prayed for her little tummy to feel better and soon. I knew there wasn't anything seriously wrong bc she would calm down and fall asleep for a little while but then she would start to scream again.
     Finally, Steven offered to go to WalMart & get gas drops that the Dr. said were perfectly safe for her to take. I hated for him to leave me alone with her. Only because I was just as emotional as she was. He also came back with the SAME thing she drank at the hospital. Similac SOY Isomil in the pre-mixed bottle. She was asleep when he got back at about 7-730sih. We gave her the gas drops and waited a few mins. Made the bottle with the pre-mixed formula and prayed she would feel better. As soon as she took the drops we noticed a change in her cries. She took the bottle where she wouldn't even suck on the paci. She relaxed her whole body and ate like she hadn't ever ate before. I was soooo happy that she was feeling better. Exhausted, I went to take her from Steven and he told me to lie down while he fed her. I love him. He came into the bedroom at about 845 put her in the middle of the bed on the boppy & we were all 3 out. A perfect ending to a horrible night.
     People will say I'm going to regret it but I let her sleep today. From 9-230pm. I knew she was tired and worn out from last night. My precious baby... We woke her up at 230ish to wash her up. I thought it would make her feel a little better. Sweating & crying from last night. Her little bath must have felt good. She was mad at first but we got her bathed, changed (which was dirty but not as bad as I'd thought) dressed & fed she was asleep again and has been asleep ever since. Yea, she may get her days & nights mixed up for a little while but I'm off work for 8 weeks so I have all the time she needs to get on a schedule.

I know babies are going to fuss and cry and be unhappy BUT I hate that cry. The cry that tells me I can't do anything at that moment to make it better. I love my sweet girl so much. We are going to wake, feed and change her now at 730pm and see how tonight goes. Daddy goes back to work tomorrow :(

Induction Day. October 29, 2011

 I thought to start this blog to document the new life we are about to start with our new baby girl, Mia Elizabeth. I should have started from the very begining BUT this day was the most life changing thing I have ever gone through and it means the most to me so here it is.

     38 weeks & 4 days
 Dr. Don Simpson and his staff had determined that Mia was going to be rather big because of not only Steven and I being big babies but I also had GD. Her estimated weight was between 8lbs & 10lbs so we decided to induce. 5am on October 29th Steven and I arrived at Magnolia Regional Heath Center in Corinth, Ms. I was excited and a little nervous but most of all I felt relieved! After being admitted they started my pitocin(sp) drip at 6am. My contractions weren't that bad. After 4 hours the Dr. came in and that's where it all seemed to speed up. At 10:15am he broke my water and put an internal monitor on the baby so those awful monitors on my belly could be removed (I hate those damn things). After he broke my water my contractions started coming 2 mins apart and were semi-strong. They never really got bad. The nurses kept asking over and over and over if I needed the epidural but I refused because I wasn't in THAT much pain. About 4 hours after my water broke they finally talked me into getting the epidural and I'm glad I did. However, 5 mins after I got it my blood pressure dropped soo much I had to have 2 bags of IV fluid and had to be checked every 15 mins.It was pretty scary. I couldn't see Steven and I didn't like that at all. But epidural kicked in and I was feeling good, so good I fell asleep for HOURS it seemed like. Getting closer the contractions got stronger and I was sstarting to feel them again so the gave me another dose of meds through my IV but the pain never really went away. I guess it's what they call a "Hotspot" (a place where on the body where the epidural doesn't work)
 We started to push at almost 11:00pm but we were just "practice pushing" So I knew how to do it and what it should feel like. When I started to push I failed to mention that I still had feeling on the left side because the urge to push at that time was so great that's all I wanted to do. Into the pushing about 30mins I hear the nurse say "O.K. next contraction coming up, let's push really hard." I was game for it so when it came I bared down and right when I was about to push I heard them both yell "STOP!!! Don't push! Don't push! She's right there and we need the Dr." I'm freakin' out at this time because all I could do was push. I couldn't stop it. I guess all the pushing I was doing.. I was doing it very well and she was coming sooner than anyone thought. So I tried so hard to stay calm and NOT push when the big contractions came. Steven was right there by my side and he was the most awesome man in the world to have there. He wasn't too assertive or too shy about things. He was just how he needed to be. FOURTY-FIVE MINS later, yes that's right, 45 mins! Like 15 mins less of ONE whole hour the Dr. FINALLY showed up and when he I seem him and felt the next contraction I pushed. Her head was half way out for 45 mins! My poor child! Her head came through with lots of tearing on the inside but her shoulders weren't coming through so easily SOOO he had to cut me & when he cut I felt EVERY inch. I almost came off the bed it hurt so bad. It was the most intense, unbarable pain I have ever felt in my intire like and I thought "OMG!!" A mild panic attack later as he started to stitch me up I finally had enough sence to tell him that I could feel on the left side. As soon as he knew that I got pumped full of drugs. Funny thing is.. none of them took the pain away. I just fell asleep. He worked on stitching me up for about an hour, the longest hour of my life (even though I was in and out of sleep). I was all done & I had Steven by my side again AND he was holding the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Our daughter!! All the pain in the world didn't match that moment!
 The family came in and we got to keep Mia for an hour. She was absolutely amazing when she was born. Oxygen level was 98! Her color was great. She weighed 8lbs 15oz. 20.5 inches long! Head and chest were both 36cm. Perfect.
 They took her to the nursery at about 3am so Steven and I could get some sleep and the Dr could check her over. That morning they told me that I had a 4th degree episiotomy. The worst you can get. Lucky me, eh. I couldn't get up without wanting to faint/passout. I couldn't hold Mia for longer than a few mins without gettin light headed or seeing spots. It was the most awful feeling. They check my BP and blood cell levels all day long and all through the night. They even considered a blood transfusion :(
 All the tests came back ok and they finally said I could go home. It's usually the parents waiting on the babies to get a good bill of health but Mia had to wait on me this time.

     Would I have another child? I say "No." & everyone says that I will change my mind but when I think about the pain and the fear I start to panic. It scared me to death. It's something that I honestly never want to experience again and Steven agrees. He told me he couldnt go through it again either. Don't get me wrong it couldn't have been soo much worse and more things could have went wrong. I believe the Lord has his hand on my husband and I and my daughter. He knew what I could handle but it was also him showing me my limits. Every woman should experience it and enoying being a mother. I love Mia with my whole heart. With every breath in my lungs & I wouldn't give her back for the world but we won't have another.

Mia Elizabeth McCallus

October 30, 2011

12:07am

8lbs 15oz & 20.5in