Relay for Life 2012

I haven't blogged in a while but after the experience last at the annual Relay for Life I feel I need to share it.

     I never knew what it was like to lose someone close to me. Obviously, I know/knew what cancer is but it hadn't struck my family until recently. I've heard of Relay for Life & of course I have always donated a dollar or two because it was the 'right thing to do'. Now I feel that it is the ONLY thing to do. 
     I haven't been through cancer personally but when you watch a loved one go through it, it feels like you have.  My best friend of 10 years lost her battle in Feb of this year and that has really opened my eyes.  I wanted to do whatever I could do. I couldn't help her when she was sick but I thought just maybe I could help someone else.  I designed and sold t-shirts & we sold lanyards to raise money. I feel that it is my duty as a cancer free American to do all I can to help those who are fighting or have lost their battle.

     Cancer is devastating and heartbreaking. It separated mothers & children and husbands & wives but I am a believer that it brings people together. So many people have been affected by this terrible disease in one way or another and if people have just one common ground to stand on they will stand together and face it head on. One step at a time. As a 'people' we don't want to do things alone, hell girls don't even go to the bathroom alone :) I don't know how many people showed up last night but it was a blessing to be apart of it. 
     Jennifer Lovelace is a co-worker of mine at Walmart & I don't think our paths would have if it hadn't of been for this. I didn't know her whole story until last night. She is an Ovarian cancer survivor. She is so strong and brave. She has been though more than one woman deserves but she has came out a FIGHTER and she has a passion for Relay that I admire on the highest level.  If I grow to be 1/2 the person she is I'd be just who I want to be.
     Team Walmart was great last night. BBQ plates were so good & I just love all those ladies that were there. 

     I was lifted up by the Luminarie Celebration. They lined the whole inside track and were lit at dusk. It was just beautiful. The slide show with all the pictures of those who are fighting & the survivors & who have lost their fight..I'm usually not an emotional person but don't think there was a dry eye in the whole park at that time. All the vendors & the people who particapated in the Womanless Beauty revue. I'm a better person for having attened last night and if you weren't there you missed a blessing.

I plan to do even more next year. As much as I can possibly do will be done.. :)

I Relay for those who can't. I Relay for my beloved Annie Brown & for the Sweet Jennifer Lovelace.

Who do you Relay?

- My first day without her -

     February 26, 2012 is the day the my amazing God called my best friend back home. I have never lost someone as close to me as she was/is. She's gone. She is at rest. No pain, No hospitals. She's doesn't have to deal with all the cheating and lying. All the drama that comes along with living in this crazy world. I got to see her last night.. I held her hand & kissed her sweet face. I leaned to her and whispered..

     "M is here(She always called me 'M'). I'm here sweet girl. I love you so very much, Annie.  I know you are tired, baby & it's OK. It's OK to be tired.  You don't have to fight anymore.  It's not giving up. You don't have to be strong for anyone anymore. Let God take care of you, baby girl. Everything is going to be fine. Always remember me & that I love you."

I know we had our differences but what best friends don't. I'm not going to be selfish & stay mad at her or at God, because this morning I was. I felt that he had taken her from me. She left ME! She's left me here all alone to go through what life has in store for me all by myself. I know better than that. I know she is perfect. She is the Annie that everyone knows and loves again. I don't really know if these tears are tears of reliefe or of sadness. Possibly a little of both.. I will miss her soo much & I'll forever hurt bc I can't just pick up the phone and tell her I love her anymore.

     Today was the most beautiful day. She gave this day to us. God cleared the skies. He parted the clouds so she could look down upon us and I know she is asking God to touch us. To help us get through her passing. My daughter now has a guardian Angel. Annie will look after Mia for as long as time goes on.
I went to church this morning. I cried & I prayed & I cried some more.. but when I walked out those doors I felt her. I felt as if she was the wind putting her hand on my face telling me "it's ok to cry, M. I'll always be here with you, I haven't left you & I never will" I felt a weight lifted off me.

     I will never get over this. I will write about her often. There is a piece of my heart missing now. & none will ever be able to replace it. Her & God are walking hand in hand in the streets of Heaven & he is explaining his plan to her. Why she was called home so young & why we have to hurt. She finally understands.. & she will be waiting to meet me again one day.. but until that day. I will love her and talk to her and tell Mia about her..
I love my Annie more than anything. & I miss her soo terribly.

Be strong..

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Bananie & Cocheese

My heart is heavy tonight. I can’t eat & I can’t sleep. I have a rush of emotion that I didn’t know I could feel all at once.

Sadness - I’m sad because my very best friend of the last 7 years is fighting what seems to be a losing battle with the dreaded cancer. Every relationship has it’s ups & downs even if it is just a FRIENDship. She has hurt me and I know I have hurt her but in the end we were/are always there for one another. I didn’t agree with her lifestyle & I quote she was “jealous” of mine. I would go to the end of the earth to help her out in any way that I can even if she didn’t ask. She wouldn’t ask because she is too proud. I’m sad because the girl who weighed 180ish is now a buck 15. Her hair is thinning but she is still soo beautiful. She doesn’t breath well but she still has soo much to say.

Happiness - Since this isn’t something that people are usually happy about, it’s odd that I feel some sort of happiness. Her being sick has brought us so much closer together. The past doesn’t matter anymore. All the fights & the arguments are gone. When I brought Mia to see her for the first time it was the best feeling. To share a moment like that with your best friend. I will never ever forget it. I’m happy/thankful that the great Lord has given her to me for this long. I can only hope that in the days to come I get closer to her & she and I can get closer to God…together.

I’m hurt. I’m mad. I’m relieved. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m literally sick. My mind is racing a mile a min and I don’t know how to slow it down. I have NEVER had to deal with anything remotely close to this in my 26 years & I never thought I would have to. I know this might sound stupid to you guys but if something happens to her..

Who is going to take the chicken off the bone so I can eat it?

Who is going to chop up the onion soo tiny in the spaghetti that I can’t taste them?

Who’s hair am I going to straighten before we go out?

Who am I going to borrow a shirt from & never give it back?

Who’s going to paint my toenails? (NO ONE touches my feet but her)

I’ve worked with her. She has been my roommate. She was in my wedding & I was in hers. She’s my very best friend.

My heart is so very heavy tonight.. It’s hurting. Hurting for her. I know she is in soo much pain. I promise every one of you reading this.. I would take her pain in a heartbeat if I could. She is confident & loud. She is obnoxious & selfish. She had an attitude & she speaks her mind. She’s my heart. I don’t know if she will ever get to read this but..

　



To you, Melinda Ann Brown.

I will love you like my sister until the day the world ends & for much longer after that. If the Lords will is done & you are called home I know you will be there waiting patiently for me & the rest of your loved ones. Through your struggles & your pain I know that you are stronger then I would ever be. I love you so very much. I’ve watched you fail and rise up again. I’ve witnessed your happiness and I was there when you just couldn’t do it alone. Be strong. I’ll be strong for you, I promise.

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Bright & Beautiful

 - To My sweet Mia girl -

Bright & Beautiful

All things bright & beautiful,
All creatures great & small,
All things wise & wonderful,
God made them one & all.

Every flower that opens,
Every bird that sings,
... He made their pretty colors, He made their little wings.

The Sunrise in the morning,
The moonbeams late at night,
All the tiny twinkling stars that shine Oh so bright.

The snowflakes in the Winter,
The raindrops in the Spring,
The Summer sun & the Autumn wind,
Each amazing thing.
But that's not all,
There's so much more!
God made each person too.
The miracle of family,
The wonder that is YOU!
Of all things wise & wonderful,
All things that live & grow,
He made you Bright & Beautiful,
From your head to tippey toe.

May God bless you, May he keep you.
May love never be far.
And as you grow, I hope you know,
How wonderful YOU are!



My Outlet

     I don't write to hurt peoples feeling or to air out my dirty laundry or to get attention. I write because it my escape from the world. I love nothing more than to sit down, whether it be with my computer or a pen and a piece of paper and just write. Sometimes I'll write a story or a poem. Other times I'll write about something that is going on in my family, which has been a lot of crap lately. I enjoy writing. && I think I'm pretty good at it.

     Now if there is something that I've said to offend anyone or if something thinks I give a little bit too much information out about certain things.. All I can to you, that someone, is "Don't read my blog." Plain and simple. That is the point of a blog. To tell a story, or ask for advise. To let people into your world. Not everyone reads this and I don't care. No one could read it and I would still write it. I definitely don't mean to offend anyone or hurt any ones feelings, like I said but this is ME. This is what I do.

     Friends are scarce. I don't have many. The ones I do have I don't get to talk to on a daily basis so this is how I connect with them. This is my way of letting them know what's new with me. From now on in this blog when I talk about 'my family' that will ONLY consist of my husband, Steven, my daughter, Mia Elizabeth and myself. I will only ask for prayers for ones who are thankful and appreciate that someone else is thinking about them.  I won't help anyone who doesn't want my help. I wont' offer it to anyone. I'm going to keep things simple for me and my family.
    

Thank you to everyone who actually cares enough to read what I have to say. It means a lot to me.

Meth in the Home

 Ok so I'm not one for putting my family's business out there for everyone to know BUT my sisters business has already been put on the FRONT PAGE of the local paper so I figure, hey.. what the hell.

     For it to be considered "child endangerment" for a child taken out of a home where a meth lab is located the childs toxicity level has to be 300 mg/kg. According to the hair folical test that my nephew had done in the begining of December his level was 3,297. Now I'm not an expert but OMG! I just googled what a lethal amount would be in an adult and it is from 500 mg/kg to 5000 mg/kg. Hmm..

 I was feeling a bit sympathic for my sister thinking maybe.. just maybe she really didn't know what was going on in her home. Maybe she wasn't doing it around her son.. There is NO POSSIBLE way that she didn't know and she ahd to have beend doing it around him as well as her boyfriend/husband. That is the highest level EVER found in an infant. What are people thinking? Now being a parent, I couldn't imagine putting my child in ANY kind of danger at all.. I'm so in love with Mia Elizabeth I would DIE is someone came and took her away from me.

     So what about Stefen William.. What happens to him? He gets bounced around from home to home. Has to go visit is father in prison. Has to watch his mother go through drug rehab & parenting classes, living from paycheck to paycheck. What about when he gets older? In school is going to 'slower' than other kids? Will he regress because of all the drugs he has been exposed to? Learning/speech problems.. mental issues! this poor baby. MY poor nephew. I never thought that my sister would be so stupid. She blames is on him but we all know it wasn't ALL HIM. It never has been ALL HIM. She is an adult. She makes her own decisions.  My heart breaks for Stefen. I pray for him every night and I'm asking that if you are reading this that you take time out and say a small prayer for him.

 Pray that in his life he remembers only the happy times. Pray that he is not effecting long term from what he was been exposed to and grows up healthy.

<3 you, Boog.

My heart breaks because..

  Drugs. I've never experimented with them. Ever. Not even a cigarette, that I can remember, and I think that's pretty good considering my ENTIRE family has had their dealings with drugs in one way or another.
Recently it's been my parents & my sister.
 My Parents: 'Wrong place, wrong time' kind of deal, so they say. Caught with drugs, driving on suspended license, etc. Charges pending, court dates & fines.. You would think after 30 years of getting in trouble and doing drugs it would end. Growing up would commence and life would be different. That's not the case at all. They are MY parents and I DO love them. Since this last bit of trouble they seem to be on the 'straight and narrow' but we will see. I'm really trying to have faith in them. I say a prayer for them every night. I pray that God puts a hand on them. I pray that he touches them and helps them realize that one day it's going to be too late. One day they are both going to wake up and have NOTHING to show for their lives. Drugs and Alcohol - What a life. Deffinately NOT the life I live.
 My Sister: In a way I feel sorry for her. She's in love with a man who is no good. The only man she has ever loved, in my opinion. Ten years her senior, he thinks he can 'show her something'. 'Teach her things'. The ONLY thing he has shown her is how sorry some men can be to the mother of their children. In the past year she has gotten her one year old son, Stefen, taken away by the state of Mississippi. The first time he was just about 2 months old. The reason behind it.. Her boyfirend/babys father was messed up on drugs, made a big scene, fighting, arguing and put my nephew in danger. The second time was just a few weeks ago and this time.. It's REAL! Because of drugs my sister has to have visitations with her son ONCE a week, for just an hour! Rehab, Parenting classes. Psych evals. My heart hurts for her becuase I know she wants to do right. I think she is afraid to change. It's what she's known for so long.. our whole lives. On the other hand I don't feel that sorry for her. I grew up in the same house with the same family. And I have never had to go through any of this. I don't think I'm smarter.. or better than anyone. I've just made better decisions.
 Steven and I are fully prepared to take my nephew into our home if need be. I want to have him the more NORMAL and wonderful childhood. He's young now but what happenes when he starts to remember the things that are going on?! It's not good for him to be bounced around from place to place. Living with grandparents & Aunts/Uncles. His mother should raise him however, if she can't do so like she should Steven and I WILL STEP IN! She is without a doubt a GOOD MOTHER! I just wish she would get her priorities in order.

Sweet Boog. I love him to pieces

He loves his Mimi! He's so sweet with her.